There is absolutely nothing worse than paying to see a film and having it ruined by obnoxious audience members. We’ve all at some point in our lives ended up sat near some turd who doesn’t understand the concept of turn your phone off and put it a-fucking-way for the duration of the film, haven’t we?
Well my most recent cinema trip (to see the disappointing Conjuring 2, in case you were wondering) was full of these berks! I can’t even put into words how annoyed I was throughout the entire film and no, it wasn’t because the film was shit (even though it kind of was) it was because of the shitheads in the audience.
So I’ll start at the beginning, shall I? Our sort-of-local cinema is an Odeon which still sells tickets at about £4.50 a pop which, compared to most cinemas these days, is very cheap. So I booked tickets online the week before and decided I’d go all out and book premier seats, why not? YOLO and all that. So I snapped up the best seats in the cinema; the ones right at the back, right in the middle…at the top of the aisle with no one in front. Ooh yeah!
As a fan of the previous Conjuring film I was looking forward to my cinema trip and booking good seats just made it even more exciting, so we bought our drinks and headed to our seats. Some woman in the seat to my left had parked her handbag on my seat, but that was no biggie, she moved it and I moved on. No problem.
No problem at all until the film started. Oh my god, I haven’t seen or heard someone eating popcorn so furiously in all my life! Jesus christ you’d think she hadn’t eaten in a year! It sounded like her hand was going to break through the bottom of the popcorn box every time she reached in there and her furious chewing was like sitting next to a cement mixer. So I pretty much missed the first half an hour of the film because I was distracted by the furious popcorn monster to my left and I spent the whole time trying to work out by the sound of her hangry bear claw digging around in the box how much popcorn was left and praying for the end.
The end came, about half an hour into the film, and the hangry popcorn monster obviously felt that without a popcorn box her hands needed something to do, so she proceeded to get her phone out and literally… I am not joking: started taking photos of the screen. What the actual fuck?
I forgot to mention that her partner who was sat next to her (duh) had been on his phone the whole time she was furiously inhaling popcorn so I was already irritated by the bright light of a phone screen in the corner of my left eye. The silly tosser had spent the the whole time intermittently texting someone and talking far too loudly for a cinema to his popcorn monster of a girlfriend.
Anyway so these two were there talking and using their phones and taking photos of the screen (I mean, what the hell?!) meanwhile during a quiet moment in the film my fiance and I both noticed some weird muffled music. We exchanged raised eyebrows but couldn’t for the life of us work it out, so we ignored it until it became apparent that some tool in the far corner of our row was sat with his eyes closed and his headphones in, listening to music so loud the whole bloody cinema could hear. Why the fuck would you pay to come and see a film and spend the whole time napping?!
At this point I was getting close to hitting someone and walking out. Oh but trust me, the worst is yet to come!
So I’m sat there quietly fuming, at this point I’d taken pretty much no notice of the film and I couldn’t even tell you what happened up until the last quarter. The popcorn monster is still occasionally snapping photos of the cinema screen and texting while her idiot boyfriend next to her is still texting and talking over the film, the knob head down the other end is still fast asleep, music still blaring. I settle down a bit, start to get used to it and I think to myself ‘ok, if I focus on the film now and calm the heck down, I can get through this’ and right then someone’s phone rings. On our row. It’s no cliche that the back row is for the obnoxious troublemakers after all!
But not only does this dudes phone ring; he actually answers it. In the middle of a film at the cinema. He fucking sits there and answers his damn phone! So he has a conversation for a few minutes, I give him a dirty look to try and make a point because at this point I am so done with quietly just ignoring the obnoxious cockwombles around me and he eventually wraps up his mumbled conversation a few minutes later. An Odeon staff member had appeared in the room and was stood down by the entrance, he kept looking up towards the back so I was ever hopeful he’d step in and turf the idiots out, my fiance even gave a not-so-subtle head nod in the direction of the guy on his phone but nope, no response. Worth a shot!
During all this the idiot with the headphones had upped and left so no more music in the background, and popcorn monster had stuffed her phone into her cleavage and her boyfriend had by some miracle put his phone down too! Wonderful, perhaps I would actually get to pay attention to at least some of the film after all.
Oh no, wait…hold that thought…the same idiot who answered his phone has his phone out and he’s dialling a number. You can’t be serious, surely? Yep, totally serious, he puts the phone to his ear and literally makes a phone call right there and then. Amazing. People never cease to amaze me!
By the time that tit had finished his second phone call I’d all but given up on watching the film and was even more tempted to walk out, but I’m stubborn and I’d paid for those tickets damn it! Luckily that last phone call was pretty much the end of the idiotic behaviour and I actually managed to watch the last little bit of the film undisturbed…although I was still quietly fuming.
So if you’re wondering why there isn’t a shiny new review of The Conjuring 2 on my blog then this is why! I didn’t actually get to watch much of the film in the end. I’m sure it won’t be the last time I go to the cinema but my god I’ll definitely be tempted to just stream the film online and watch it in the comfort of my own home in the future! Bloody morons -.-
Do you have any outrageous cinema stories? Let me know in the comments!