I’ve been asked by someone from Man Crates to make a list of the items I’d want if I were trapped in a horror film. If you’ve not heard of them before, Man Crates make awesome gifts for men that come in a crate that can only be opened with a crow bar, so go and check them out because Christmas is fast approaching!
There are so many different types of horror film that it’s very difficult to come up with any must-have items without first knowing what you’re up against. Being as The Walking Dead has started again and the world is going stir crazy over Ebola (which the news would have you believe is the end of the world) I figured why not throw myself straight into a post-apocalyptic, zombie infested situation and see how well I’d do? The answer is most likely not very, but I would sure have fun trying!
Of course the very nature of an apocalypse kind of gives you no time at all to prepare, so why not start planning an inventory now just in case?
So here are my five must-haves in a zombie apocalypse;
- Duct Tape
I have this theory about avoiding getting bitten by a zombie which I think is actually pretty reasonable. Zombies aren’t super-human. They have human teeth just like you and me, and let’s be honest most of those are probably falling out and rotting away anyway. So, I have this theory that if you got yourself a nice big baggy jacket and some baggy work trousers, or some other substantial clothes made of relatively strong threads, and covered them in a couple of layers of duct tape, you would have yourself a pretty successful zombie bite shield. It’d be very difficult for their teeth to get through all that, I mean…you try biting through duct tape, it’s fucking hard enough to get through it with scissors! And the amount of time it’d take a zombie to nibble its way through your many layers of thick, plasticky tape would give you more than enough time to smash its dirty, rotting little skull in.
Speaks for itself really. If I’m going to be struggling to survive a zombie apocalypse I at least want to be pissed while I’m at it!
- A baseball bat
I went through a phase for a few months where I’d have recurring zombie nightmares. In them I always had a gun and the fucking thing never worked! The bullet would come out so slowly that it’d just embed slightly into the zombie’s flesh and then bounce back out. Not to mention I have awful aim. So my weapon of choice would be a hefty wooden baseball bat, or something similarly sturdy that I could smack approaching zombies with. Imagine how satisfying that would feel!
I like to keep my hair and nails nice and short. Long nails are a pain in the arse at the best of times but if you’re scratching around fighting zombies and trying to survive, they’d really get in the way. Plus, I’m just picturing an icky build up of zombie flesh, blood and hair behind those nails and the image is not pretty! Long hair in your eyes would also be a hazard, so I’d definitely want some scissors to hand to keep everything trimmed and out of the way.
Let’s just be real here for a minute; if you’re faced with a post apocalyptic world would you really want the last few days, weeks, months or maybe even years of your life to be sexless? Who the hell would?! But getting pregnant in the midst of a zombie apocalypse is just no. We all saw what happened to Laurie in The Walking Dead, I sure as hell don’t want that to be me! So I’d much rather make like Glen and Maggie and go raid the pharmacy for protection. And if you don’t watch The Walking Dead those references will mean nothing to you!
Those are my five must have items in a zombie apocalypse, what would you choose?