I’ll apologise now for this post, I’m in one of those soppy, emotional moods and I’ve found that this blog (despite my earlier post where I said that I was no longer posting personal things…that didn’t last long!) is one of the most helpful ways to get things off my chest 🙂 If you don’t want to read what will probably turn out to be me whinging, then click off now!
“It shouldn’t be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something’s difficult to come by, you’ll do that much more to make sure it’s even harder–or impossible– to lose.”
― Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride
I’ve been mulling this over for a little while now, I think I work pretty hard, my hobbies and free time are filled with writing (be it on my blog or for the websites I write for) and trying to learn more, and at the moment; slogging my guts out over my short film. So when I see people that seem to be able to put in less effort and yet achieve more it’s a little soul destroying, Don’t get me wrong, I’m surrounded by talented people who deserve to do well, but it makes me wonder, is it hard work that pays off or is it simply being privileged and lucky? Although I’m doing well at the minute what with writing for various different things, I still don’t seem to be getting that far and it doesn’t correlate with the effort I’ve been putting in. I’m not saying I haven’t done well, I’m so happy with the opportunities I’ve had recently, but I see people achieve so much more; people of the same level as me, people the same age, and yet people that don’t seem to have to put so much effort in. In other words; people who are privileged.
Maybe I’m doing something wrong. perhaps it’s the way I present myself, or the fact I’m too quiet. Maybe I just lack the skills to make myself seen, heard and noticed or maybe my lack of confidence, which does have a habit of making me take a back seat to let others do the talking, not because I can’t but because I lack the confidence, is at fault. I’d love to know what I’m doing wrong so I can stop it, but as far as I can see I’m doing everything I can.
This happens in every aspect of life, from the small things to the more important things. For instance; I’m very careful with my money, I save, I budget and I don’t go out too often because I don’t want to mindlessly spend money. Despite this I see people who are less careful with their money than me managing to go on holiday every year, go out all the time and buy new clothes, fancy phones and other things that I simply can’t afford, these are people that are earning the same amount as me, and are also at uni fending for themselves. Which is why I’m wondering if it is about hard work or whether it’s simply about privilege. If you come from a privileged background you’re made for life, hard work doesn’t (often) factor in. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
When I work in a group I’m the overlooked one, the one that puts in work behind the scenes but doesn’t get noticed (and in turn, doesn’t get any credit). I’ve been the soul person pushing a project in the past, with groups that have done nothing, and still not been recognised for my work (although this was some time ago now!) Once Bitten, Twice Shy could just be a turning point; I pushed that completely alone until the day of the shoot, when I had a brilliant crew to help make the final thing come to life, but everything, every bit of organisation leading up to that including finding a budget (half of which came out of my own pocket) a location, actors and props, was me and this time I’m feeling good about how it’s going. I don’t want this to sound selfish, my crew were brilliant and deserve every bit of credit for what they did on the day; the film itself couldn’t have looked as good as it does (the rough cut is finished by the way!) without them, but I put in so many hours behind the scenes, spent every day and every hour of my ‘free’ time planning, organising and mostly worrying! On a personal level, the film means a lot to me and if it does well and if I do well off the back of it, it will not only be a first but a huge confidence boost.
I’ve picked a stupid career really, not only is it really hard to break into and do well in but it’s competitive. I really need to learn what it is about me that makes me so easily unnoticed and so easily forgotten. Maybe that’s something I’ll just have to work out on my own. In the meantime, I can only thank you all for supporting the film, no one save my close friends and relatives, really cares about the fact that I made it, the exciting thing and the selling point is the cast. I’m cool with that…if it means loads of people watch it then great! Already the Facebook page likes have shot up to 90 and people seem really interested in seeing the finished thing, which is awesome. My fingers and toes are firmly crossed for the success of the film, it’s a very special project to me.
I still don’t know whether hard work actually pays off. I’ve worked hard with my writing but the one actual job job I’ve got as a writer doesn’t pay…I don’t feel like I’m really going as far as I could/should. I’m still young though I suppose, and I guess it’d be daft to assume I’m destined to live like this for the rest of my life; working hard, being good (ish) at what I do and yet still not quite achieving…no one knows what the future holds.
On a different note though, the trailer for Once Bitten is coming soon, I’ve just finished the rough cut and will be fine tuning the film, polishing it and making it perfect over the next couple of months or so…exciting stuff! 😀